It was January 7, 2010, two years to the day that my grandfather died when I got the call. I was very close to my grandfather and his passing left a huge hole in my heart and in my soul. He died just 3 months before our first child, O, was born. Had O been a boy he would’ve been named after him (we didn’t know what the sex of the baby was). Alas, O was born a girl and our child wouldn’t share my grandfather’s name until our son Jake was born. Jake took my grandfather’s name as his middle and so he was named Jake Henry.
That evening was the second anniversary of the most prodigious death in my life. However, it wouldn’t be the only prodigious event that would occur on that date. When the phone rang it was a normal evening of making dinner and taking care of the babies for my wife and I. The conversation went like any other normal conversation I have with her. Until she told me that she has Cancer.
My mom is relatively young, early (very early) 60′s but looks much younger. She’s always been active, never smoked, doesn’t really drink and overall is a healthy person. Cancer runs in my family but never in a million years did I think either one of my parents would ever be diagnosed. My mom received a call from her cousin who had cancer several years ago. Her cousin told her about the BRCA2 gene. It’s a gene that if present can significantly increase the risk of cancer (mainly in women but can affect men as well). My mom had the choice to be tested or leave well enough alone and go about her life. It was the next decision that would potentially save her life and at the minimum prolong her life. My mom went with her sisters and got tested for the presence of the gene. The results came back positive for her but I don’t think I paid it too much attention. After all, this only meant that her risk of Cancer was greater, not that she had it. On the advice of her Doctors she went in for a Hysterectomy. The reasoning was…You’re not going to have any more children and if we remove your reproductive organs you needn’t worry about Ovarian and other related forms of Cancer.
Had my mother not gone in to be tested for the BRCA2 gene she wouldn’t have known she was a carrier. Had she also not decided on the advice of her Doctors to get the Hysterectomy she wouldn’t have heard this next piece of news. She was diagnosed with Stage II Fallopian Tube Cancer. This is the rarest form of Gynecological Cancer affecting only about 3 in 1,000,000 women. How God or the Universe (or whomever you believe may or may not be looking over us) decided that my mom was one of these 3 women is beyond me. This sort of stuff doesn’t happen to me or my family. It just doesn’t! But…it does and it is.
The next step was to go through six aggressive rounds of chemotherapy to rid her body of these murderous cells. The treatments were progressively harder to the point she couldn’t even walk to the bathroom on her own (on some occasions) and loss of hair would soon follow. What a horrific experience for her to go through. This is my mom why is she to suffer like this? Why her? I came to realize that questioning the “why” wasn’t going to bring me or her any peace. It doesn’t matter why and the reality is we’ll never know why. The focus needed to be on the how. How are we going to get through this?
I supported my mom the best I could over the next 4 months of her treatment. It was hard as I’m living on the West Coast and my parents on the East. Having work, a wife, a 21 month old and a 5 month old made it very difficult for me to travel such distance. So I supported her the best I could by talking to her every day. We were positive and she was extremely positive. We like to laugh…We LOVE to laugh so humor is a way for us to get through difficult times in our lives. She carried this with her through her treatment and we both believed, everyone believed, that if we could get through the final rounds we could go on with our life.
Following her last round of chemotherapy the Doctors wanted to do an exploratory surgery. The surgery was to ensure they got all the Cancer out. We were feeling great about it for several reasons. Her markers were down, all the tests she had done to date looked positive and since starting the process this was the plan. She was to have the 6 treatments and we would all move on with our lives.
It hasn’t quite worked out that way. We received the next round of crushing news within the last 2 weeks. The Cancer is still there. That fucking Cancer is still there! It’s spread to her abdominal wall and there are cells that weren’t killed by the chemotherapy.
All the plans were set. Jake’s 1st birthday was to be held at my In-Laws house in Southern California. My parents were to fly out, come for the party (They missed O’s 2nd birthday due to her treatment) and then drive back up to Monterey to spend the rest of the week with us. We’d not only be celebrating Jake’s 1st birthday together but also my mother’s victory in killing this fucking Cancer.
Alas, we’re taken in yet another direction, again. She’s scheduled for 6 more rounds of chemotherapy in just a couple short weeks. This means another birthday, the 1st birthday, will be missed. My mother’s determination to see her family, her grandchildren would not be faltered by the Cancer. She changed her travel and they are coming out here this weekend, before she starts chemotherapy, for the second time.
Where does this leave us? Where are we with all this? I would love to have a happy ending here. I would love to share some great moral to this story. This isn’t what’s going to happen right now though. I’m confident my mother will pull through this. She’s the strongest women I know. The Cancer will be met with a huge battle, even bigger than before. I don’t question my mother’s strength or fortitude or perseverance. I don’t question any of that. What do I question? The unknown’s…
As a person who’s always believed in the power of family. As a person who’s always put (at least in intention) family first I look at where I am in my life. I think of O and Jake and that they have no idea what’s happening to their Bubby (Yiddish for grandma for you Non-Jews). I think of my dad, my sister, my wife, my extended family and how none of us know what’s happening to her. I feel so out of control. I can do nothing to make this go away. Money isn’t standing in the way, political power isn’t standing in the way, physical obstacles are not standing in the way. What’s standing in our way? Nature. Can we fight Nature? I believe we can. I believe my mother can.
While I might not have all the answers now, I know this. I know that my sister and I NEED our mother, my Dad NEEDS his wife, my children NEED their Bubby. In return, my mother NEEDS all of us. She has all of us and we will continue to fight this with her however we can. As I write this, tears run down my face at the reality of the situation. I think what scares and saddens me the most is the thought that my mother might feel alone. Alone to live this death of a disease by herself. Whatever comes of this story I will be with my mom, my dad will be with my mom, my sister will be with my mom, O and Jake will be with my mom, my wife will be with my mom, my Aunts and Uncles will be with my mom.
We are alone with our thoughts but we are together with our struggles and our victories for we are FAMILY.
I love you Mom, you are not alone.
Praying for your family… Sounds like your mom is a very strong woman. We love you guys!!
Thank you Kathy, yes she is.
She did something right…she instilled her strength into you, and I’m sure your sister as well. I know if you could, you’d take it away for her, but this is her battle…you guys just have to be there to not only feel helpless, but to cheer her on to her victory against this shit. I’m thinking about you…on so many levels…I can’t wait to see pics of her visit…and perhaps a little pre-birthday celebration!! Coming from a place where my mom didn’t see either of my boys, I know just how important it is. My heart aches for you Josh. If there was a magic wand, I’d surely make it go away and have her live a LONG, HEALTHY, LOVED life…
Thanks for your support Barbie. Yes, we do plan to celebrate Jake's birthday when they are here. We need to keep things as positive as possible while they're here visiting. Thank so much, I do feel your love.
Humor & strength…your mom sounds like a real fighter and a real winner. And? You are not alone. Prayers are going out to your family even as I type. After all, we Christians and Jews pray to the same God!
Thanks Cathy, Yes she is a real fighter and one with an extreme outlook on life. Thank you for your prayers.
My heart aches for all that your mom has battled, and I am so impressed with this woman I have never met. Her fight, her humor, and the passionate love her son feels for her? She must be a remarkable woman and an awesome mother. My prayers are with you and your family.
Kris,
That is terribly sweet of you to say about my mom. She is indeed a remarkable woman and mother. Thank you so much for you thoughts and prayers. It's sentiments like this that help me keep things together. Support is so vital in times like this as I'm sure you know.
What a painful, painful thing, to look up one day and find something like this at the center of your life. You may not have all the answers, but you have the most important one. I wouldn’t survive the many crises in my life without my people. Your family sounds wonderfully caring.
And I’m so impressed that you bared your soul. Only a few things are more important to me than this: writing my pain and fear and anger, then sharing it. There’s power in that.
I have this Bad Ass Award that I give for gut-spillers and I want to give one to you. There are no rules or strings for this award. You can see the award and read the other Bad Ass Award-winning posts here:
http://www.nopointsforstyle.com/nps-bad-ass-blogg…
Oh, also? If/when you tweet about your journey, the hashtag for all who are facing cancer is #fuckcancer.
I like it and I'm going to use it! Thanks!
I'm so deeply humbled by your response (as I am with others) Adrienne. There is great power in what we do. You and I don't even know each other and yet we can share intimate, emotional experiences with each other. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable just for a moment brings back great strength and courage. I feel that strength and courage in reading your response as I do with others. It feels weird for me receiving any type of award but I do like the fact that it just happens to be a "Bad Ass" one so I humbly accept. Thank you for sharing this with me.
I'm so sorry to hear this news and thank you for sharing it. Keep reaching out and you will be supported. Your mother will need support and so will you. Love and love and love to you. And more love even still.
Marian, thank you so much for your support and love. I was quite scared to post this, I have to say. For so many different reasons but I'm so glad that I just laid it all out there. It's really quite a release to be able to do so. Does it make everything go away? No, but it does help and I feel so much stronger right now and supported by you and everyone else here. All this love and support you all are feeding into me is going to go right back to my Mom. Thank you and much love right back.
Well, heck, that’s the way it’s supposed to work. Yay! I love picturing your mom growling at her co-workers “Just don’t be callin’ me butch, ya hear? Grrrr.” I’m sure that’s not an accurate representation of your mother, but it’s what I’m going with. Love.
Yeah, she's a freakin' trooper and has a great sense of humor to boot.
Thank you so much for sharing something that must be very painful for you to write about and reflect on. I can appreciate the need for your mother toughing through, as I too rely so much on the strength of our family. Thinking of you and your loved ones during this struggle, and sending much love.
Hi Kelsey,
Thanks so much for leaving a comment. Yes, this was very hard for me to write. It was very emotional and is something that I think, although hard to put out there, has healed a small piece of me as well. Having the feedback like you provided really makes the process so much easier to cope with. Thanks so much for sharing in this with me and for your kind words.
I’m so sorry about your mom. Being a part of “this club” SUCKS. It’s so hard. I’m glad your mom has you all around, and your daughter. I know that will push her to fight harder. You have all my thoughts and prayers. Please feel free to email me if you need anything.
Hi Jess,
Thanks for your thoughts and your support. I feel so fortunate to be getting this kind of response. It means so much coming from someone who's had so much battle in her life. You look exactly like your mom, but I know you already know that. Thanks again!
So sorry to hear this. All I can say is that I wish her a refuah shleimah and strength to your family. It is hard to deal with when they are close and harder when far. Hang in there as best you can.
Thank you Jack and thanks for taking the time to read my story. I truly appreciate your support.
I'm new here and all, but I am sending good vibes and hugs your way. She sounds like one tough cookie. Oh, and I'm with Adrienne. Use that hashtag, seriously.
Oh, and congrats on that award. Nice to meet a fellow Bad Ass.
Hey Roxane, I'll definitely take that hug!! Thank you so much for stopping by! I'm hoping my next post can be a little more cheery but as in life we take the good with the bad…Hope to know you!
Just when you think your heart is full-up from hoping and praying for people whose stories move you? You read one more and find that there is, in fact, room for one more.
My hopes and prayers are with your mom and you family now, too.
What a brave and moving piece to be my intro to your blog – which I found through Kris at Pretty All True.
Awww, thank you! Yeah, I love Kris' blog and have been dropping pieces of myself there! I'm so glad you stopped by but I'm sorry that was what you read first. If there's one thing I believe strongly in and I'm never ashamed to do it's to speak from my heart. Some people you touch and others you don't but I find that those that are meant to be with you, near you find their way as you have. I hope to get to know you!
I’m sorry to hear that your family is having to go through this trying time. My dad was dx’ed when I was 18, and I moved out to live with him. He was told the 5 year survival odds weren’t good, and he relapsed within 6 months the first time and 8 months the second. After a round of experimental therapy, I am happy to say that he has been cancer free for over 5 years! I wish the same for your mom.
Brooke, That must have been so difficult for you at such an impressionable age. I've always wondered about experimental therapy and it's success rate. I'm so glad to hear it's actually worked out for your dad. Thanks so much for the kind words and support, it means a lot to me!
Thanks for sharing that Josh. My heart aches for your family and my hatred for Cancer swells. I will pray for your family and I hope you have one hell of a celebration and make a ton of fantastic memories during her visit.
Thank you Carol Ann. We’re having as much fun as we can.
I only wish that all of you coul dknow, as I do, what a totally awesome, wonderful and yes, strong person Pammy is…….
Your mom is a sweetheart. We pray for her that her health will be restored and her body renewed. These times can help remind us of what is so important in life – that is family. Keep up the faith!
Thanks so much for your thoughts Mark!
Dearest Josh,
This is the very first time I've ever read your blog and the first thing I read was about your wonderful mom. I cried and am still crying as I am writing this to you. I miss our times together, with all of us when you and my kids were young, when your mom and I had so many laughs together…and going through the sad times together….Why..why do bad thing happen to good people? Who or what above us can allow this to happen? I've asked that question so many times in my life..WHY???….But I never get the answer. Life is just that…we never know what the next moment, the next second will bring..We are tested everyday for our strengths and weaknesses. I just got the news that my dear cousin is dying from cancer and it makes me so angry..and so very sad. This disease is angry, it festers inside of you and spreads it's ugly cells all over your healthy body..but we will show that we can be stronger and fight back. With all our prayers, thoughts, love and support to your mom and all of you and the strength of your family pulling together..and I must say..the strength of your wonderful, dear mom, this terrible disease will lose and your mom will win this battle. I love you Josh..You've grown into such a fine young man and I am so very proud of you… So sorry all of us have moved away and lost contact over the years, but our deepest love and prayers are with your mom and all of the family now..
Love, Barbara
Josh- The only thing I can say is, love like you have never loved before! I know the hardest thing about this situation is the physical distance between you and your mom. it sounds like you both have the right attitude. Laughter does bring peace to mind! I’m hoping and praying for you and your family.
Peace be with you and your mom.
Mark
Thanks so much Mark! Your words do resonate with me and I appreciate your friendship.