Yesterday I wrote a post titled, “Bad Parenting And The Park“. If you haven’t read it feel free to do so and come back here.
I knew after I published the post that the title didn’t sit well with me. Then as I sat more with the thought of what I had written I realized I was doing something I’ve done my entire life and that’s something I’m trying to stop, judging. In fairness to my experience and what I saw between the mom and her children and specifically that little boy I think I might have assessed accurately. However, that is not the point and I could be completely and utterly wrong.
This brings me to the point of today’s post. I judged that woman and her child without actually knowing what was going on. I think it was reasonable of me to identify with that woman as being a bit inattentive when it came to watching her child at the park. I think it was also reasonable to identify that the little boy detached from his family and was not very aware of physical danger. These were all things that I witnessed and make no statement about who they are as people or about their lives in general.
The problem with judging is that we make broad conclusions and assumptions about people based on very limited information and mostly not even factual information. There are many things that might have explained the circumstances yesterday. If I took an extreme but not too far fetched idea we could see where this wasn’t too weird of a situation. For example, if this woman just lost her partner to some accident or illness she would likely be devastated. Of course, who knows how the children could respond in that situation as well. It’s easy to see in a situation like that where what I witnessed would be occurring.
So the bottom line is, regardless of how accurate I was in assessing their family situation and/or the validity of that Mother’s ability to parent I should not have judged. I made a broad speculation about her ability to parent and about the mental well being of the child and that was based on 30 minutes at the park. I’m just glad I was aware enough to identify with the fact that I was doing this. After all, if we’re not aware of the things we’re doing right or wrong there’s no way we can begin to change those things.
We are all guilty of this. I agree we should all work on this because the person next to us is judging us and how we react in certain situations and you probably don’t want to know what they are really thinking about you!
The judgement (look, I spelled it right!!) that you made was that a child was acting a bit strange at a park and his mother seemed inattentive. When did you become a judgy judge (I’m pretty sure that’s a diagnosis in the new DSM V, btw)? Well if you’re like most of us, your parenting spidey senses probably made your judgy judginess worse, especially when it comes to parenting. Moms corner the market on this. I resisted giving bottle feeding moms the stink eye while I breastfed Noah just as they resisted – or didn’t – staring me down for whipping it out on the park bench next to their husbands. I resist judging the moms of the kids on the bus who shove my son or the moms of the girls in my daughter’s class who allow their kids to fall in love with the Beibs at the tender age of 7. It’s an uphill battle many of us face, but I think you can cut yourself a break on the park situation. Those feelings that made you question what was happening with that child are the same feelings that prompt people to watch for and report abuse or neglect. Without those “something is wrong here” feelings – not necessarily judgement – more kids would end up on the 11:00 news and not just in blog posts. I say you get a free pass this time. But who am I to judge?
I agree, it is a built in spidey sense. But there are times when you have to just hold your thoughts and think of what position that family is in. The child in the store having a major tantrum and parents seem to be ignoring them could be special needs parents doing the best thing they can do to calm the situation down. I have seen kids under 2 doing things I wouldn’t let my 6yr old do at the park but their parents see it as a normal thing for a child that age to do, everyones kids are different as are our parenting styles. Of course the spidey sense does come in handy when there is real abuse or neglect going on.
I so agree with Amy!! You get a free pass, after all we are only human.
In addition to what Amy said, the occasional fit of being judgey is what keeps us on our own toes and makes us more aware as parents to our own children. Judging others’ every move shouldn’t become a way of life, but when you see something that just doesn’t sit right with you, it can also be a learning experience. A “What not to do” example, in a sense. Frankly, I don’t care what horrible situations are going on at home. Ignoring your child’s bad behavior toward others and failing to apologize leaves anyone open to scrutiny.
Shannan doesn’t like other people’s kids because they climb in her trees like wild monkeys. Her opinion doesn’t count. LOL
I like other people’s kids JUST FINE when they aren’t destroying my yard. And setting me up for a personal injury lawsuit.
I say judge away – cause you know right now I’m judging you…
Hell yeah, judge away man. You might be a hypocrite most of the time, but fuck ‘em. In you mind, you can judge all you want. I judge you for writing this whiny thing. You judged somebody, unfairly and without knowing all the details perhaps, but so what? I judged you when I first met you, and it turned out you weren’t the love child of a Yeti and a Jewish Bagel maker. Amy is right though, sometimes it’s okay to whip out your boobs in public. Basically, the saying “judge not lest ye be judged” is completely true. And if you don’t mind being judged, then fuck it, judge away.
Dude, you are one funny guy!! You kill me! LOL
I’ll toss my two cents in. There’s a huge difference between making a judgment call on something and being judgmental. One is making a rational evaluation based on what you see/sense (oftentimes beneficial to your own safety and well-being or that of others) and the other is more of a mental/emotional condemnation of the other person based on your own value system (and opposing theirs).
I believe our society could benefit with a lot more of the former and much less of the latter.
For example, my daughter, when she was in her early teens, used to accuse me of being judgmental of her friends when in reality I was drawing on my own experiences and what is referred to above as my ‘spidey sense’ when making judgment calls about what she could or could not do, and with whom.
All that being said, we all have the absolute right to be judgmental and it is a testimony as to each and every one of us whether we choose to do so or not. It’s definitely something that belongs in the realm of introspection and awareness but I believe it’s just a part of being human. As a footnote, it’s usually the ones accusing someone of being judgmental, I have found, that are oftentimes themselves guilty of it. C’est la vie.
We all do it. It’s just that everyone else is wrong, and I’m right. Hah!
It’s too easy to judge someone, especially a stranger. I’ve tried to limit my scowly look of judgement, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Key word is ‘try’…