My last post was about how we as adults have paradigm shifts early on in life. I spoke about how we begin to give ourselves false beliefs, essentially lying to ourselves about who we are. Those paradigm shifts started taking place at a very young age.
It’s become clear to me that the reason we made that paradigm shift was out of self defense and preservation. As children we were abused on one level or another to the point of having to protect ourselves. This abuse could have come in many different forms. Again, it’s not about what form the actual abuse was in but rather how it impacted us personally. That abuse/trauma could have taken many different forms including but not limited to:
1. Physical abuse
2. Sexual abuse
3. Emotional abuse
4. Abandonment
One form of childhood trauma that I think doesn’t get talked about enough and would probably fall under emotional abuse is shame. Shame is one of those things that has become so common in today’s society that I don’t even think most of us notice when it’s happening. I know because I was shaming my children without even knowing or being aware of it.
One common thing I’ve said before and I’m sure you’ve heard is when a parent gets mad at their child and says, “What were you thinking?” or “What is wrong with you?” On the surface it may not seem like much. However, to a small child or toddler this can go very deep. To a child, their parents are the God and Godesses in their life. Hearing this kind of abusive language makes them feel “less than”, “stupid”, “embarrassed”, “confused”, among other things. This shame that they feel as a result of hearing this can last for a lifetime and certainly well into adulthood. It’s language like this that sets the stage for how children begin to see themselves and think about themselves. When children feel these “less than” feelings early on awareness of their inherent nature gets obscured with lies. The child that was born loveable, good enough, worthy, and intelligent now sees him or herself through new lenses. A paradigm shift has taken place and now every meaning that child assigns to the thoughts they have is blurred by these new lenses.
So, as parents we have an incredible gift and responsibility. While our children are young and still living life aware of their inherent nature we can foster that. We can take steps to remind our children of their inherent nature. Every time we shame or abuse our children in any way we put holes in their inherent nature and help them form false beliefs about who they are. Children aren’t old enough to have boundaries and they are extremely impressionable. The shame, pain, and unresolved hurt that we carry from our own childhoods can’t be given to our children. Once we understand that much of who we are today is a result of what we were “given” as children we can begin to take the steps necessary to stop that cycle.
Loving our children isn’t just a feeling we have. To love our children is an act and an intentional one. Love has to be intentional, thoughtful, and with purpose. Loving our children starts with loving ourselves. Take a look at yourself and think about how you feel about yourself. Do you think you’re good enough? Do you think you’re attractive? Tender? Thoughtful? Intelligent? Worthy? Precious? Loveable? If you have difficulty in thinking any of these things could be true about you (and most of us do) then that is the first step. Just being aware that you feel this way about yourself will help to identify whenever you may be passing that on to your precious, loveable, worthy, and tender child.
So true. It’s important to know, too, that no one is perfect and apologies are ok, as long as they’re done quickly. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said something that I realize is wrong even as the words are leaving my mouth…and they just…keep…coming. Sometimes, sincere apology can have the best effect of all. As good as new, almost.
malugod na pagbati po!nais ko lang pong itsnuulka ang ilang katanungan. kami po ng asawa ko at anak ko ay sinugod sa harap ng aming bahay noong nov. 2009 ng 9 na katao at kami po ay pinagtulungang bugbugin, ang anak ko po noon ay 16 taong gulang lamang at siya po ay nagtamo ng bugbog sa tiyan at mukha at ibang parte ng katawan. kami po ay nagsampa ng habla sa MTC dito sa aming lugar ang kinaso po namin sa mga nambugbog sa anak ko ay physical injury in relation to RA 7610 at may grave threat pa po sa aking anak ang mga akusado. subalit ang naging resolution po ng fiscal sa kaso ng anak ko ay slight physical injury lang at na rule out po ang RA 7610 sa kadahilanan daw pong di naman daw po nagkaroon ng psychological effect sa bata. pinabasa po namin sa isang private lawyer ang resolution ng fiscal ang sabi po niya di daw po dapat ni rule out ang RA 7610 subalit di na po kami nakapag submit ng MR. at ng amin naman pong pinabasa ang resolution sa isang judge sinabi po sa amin na hayaan na lang daw ang judge na may hawak ng kaso ang magdetermine kung itataas pa ang kaso. after almost 2 years po ngayon lang po naguumpisa ang pre trial sa RTC, subalit sa akin pong pagkadismaya ang fiscal po na may hawak ng aming kaso ay akin pong kinausap sinabi po niya sa amin na ang slight physical injury lang po ang kanyang pagtutuunan ng pansin at siya rin po ay aming tinanong kung ang jugde na lang po na may hawak ng kaso ang bahalang magdetermine kung tataasan pa ang kaso ang sagot po niya sa amin ay di na daw po pwedeng taasan pa ng judge ang resolution ng fiscal. ano po ba ang totoo at bakit po ni rule out ng fiscal sa kanyang resolution ang RA 7610 sa kabila ng ang mga bumugbog sa aking anak ay 5 malalaking tao.posible pa po bang maitaas ng judge ang kaso?maraming salamat po.gumagalang,nina
Interesting take on this, not sure I agree on all points but a good post nonetheless.
Great article!
Thank you.
- Steven Burda
father of two toddlers