Unless you’ve been completely offline today you’ve surely heard and/or seen the controversial cover on Time Magazine. There’s been plenty of talk about how old the child in this picture is – he’s 3 – and whether or not women should be breastfeeding a child this age. It seems all the controversy online today (Facebook, Twitter, etc.) has been around the topic of breastfeeding. Of course, this is an important topic and one that will be debated for years to come. I am very much in support of breastfeeding. Having said that, this post is actually going to talk about something much more important. It’s going to cover a topic that I’m not hearing anyone talk about and yet is, in many ways, killing millions of women and men alike.
Shame.
The cover of this photo states, “Are You Mom Enough?” Has our society become so used to being shamed, put down, questioned that we don’t even see shame when it’s staring us in the face? We wonder why so many of us have self-esteem issues and yet we don’t see some of the causes. One of the most common questions I hear women asking is (in one variation or another) “Am I enough?”. Whether it’s in the form of weight, beauty, intelligence, career, financial, caregiving…and the list goes on and on.
The bottom line is that every women who is blessed to have a baby is ENOUGH from the moment she gives birth to that beautiful child. No woman can ever be MORE THAN or LESS THAN enough of a Mom.
There is no judgement in truth.
“More than” and “Less than” statements are judgements and there’s only one truth. All Moms are enough all the time!
Why must our society/media put into question something as basic as this? Why must they keep our Moms doubting themselves? As if there isn’t enough things to call into question about our performance and even our inherent nature. The sad truth is that this is so common. What’s even more sad is that so many Women and Men alike don’t even recognize that this is abuse and it’s called, Shame.
Someone(s) at Time Magazine has a warped sense of what’s “Real”. Don’t let them fool you into thinking you ever have to meet some condition as a women and a mother in order to be enough. This is a complete fallacy and says much more about the owners and content creators at Time Magazine than it ever does about our Mothers.
On this Mother’s Day I want you to remember one thing Moms. You were, are, and will always be enough.
Great post, but let me expand it just a smidge. Those of you who are mothers to “angel babies” and have not (yet) carried a healthy baby to term – YOU are enough, too. Those of you who gave a baby up for adoption, you are enough. Those of you have chosen not to be mothers – you are not any “lesser” because of that choice.
Being a mother is terrific, I will never regret that choice. But can’t we simply be joyful about our own choices without shaming others because they made different ones?
Well said Beverly! Thank you for coming to my site and for responding!
With Appreciation – Josh
Well said. Honestly, it was the text that bothered me about the cover, too. Breastfeed a 3yo or don’t, the choice is up to you. But, unfortunately Time can’t un-do this awful and offensive title, especially on Mother’s Day week!
Leanne, I agree that the timing was awful and of course intended on their part. Thanks for your comment!
With Appreciation – Josh
I teach parenting classes and one of the first thing I tell people when working with them is that they are THE BEST parent for their child. They are probably not the best parent for their neighbor’s child or their sibling’s kids, but they are the best parent for the kids they brought into this world, or adopted.
Each child is different, every parent and family is unique. I wish large media outlets like TIME magazine would stop using women to start debates over what is not anyone else’s business (breastfeeding or not and if so, for how long).
The bigger issue here is why are we still engaging in these type of arguments instead of celebrating motherhood and all that moms do for their families and children.
Well said Sondra and I agree. Everyone does the very best they can do under the circumstances they are in with the resources they have. We do need to celebrate more. Thanks for sharing!
With Appreciation – Josh
Thank you for this great post. I have heard it so many times, even from in laws, that because I had a C/S my children’s birth was not a “true” birth. I actually left a mom group because there was a woman that felt that if you did not have a drug free vagina birth you did not birth a child. If I would had a vaginal birth (in the early medical days) I would have died or now a days been taking in for an emergency c/s because my body is not formed right for vaginal births. While what was said to me from my in laws, I never let it bother me (that is another story on how I could) because I knew it didn’t’ matter how my daughter’s arrived here, only that they arrived safe and healthy.
Also I would like to agree with the first poster too. I have seen first hand through friends the struggle to have a baby, then the devastation, then the joy only to delivery early and watch them suffer while their son tries daily to survive. I also have watched a young mother make the choice to give her child up for adoption so a dear friend could have a child to love and cherish.
Thank you for your post.
Thank you for the kind words Cassie. I am sorry you had to experience the shaming from your in-laws. Their judgement and abusive shame shed much more light on the pain that they’re carrying than it did anything about your pregnancy and child’s birth. Thank you for your comments.
With Appreciation – Josh
Don’t you know that parenting is a competitive sport?
I can always count on you to bring the humor. Must be a Jewish thing, I know!
With Appreciation – Josh
would it be too forward to say that “i love you”? wow! thank you for this post. so grateful to have a male step in to this ridiculous mommy war.
Hi Marnie! Not ridiculous at all! Sending that love right back at ya! Thank you so much for reading my post and responding.
With Appreciation – Josh
Thank you for spreading the message of acceptance. Of all weekends, we need to celebrate motherhood rather than demeaning it.
You’re very welcome. It’s easy to spread the message of acceptance when all we have is love and not fear. Lots of fear in the world and apparently at Time Magazine. Thanks for stopping by.
With Appreciation – Josh
Motherhood is the hardest job ever. For all of us. We should all respect that some decisions are easier for some than others.
Holly, absolutely agree. It’s much easier to love, respect, and accept but for some reason most people can’t seem to do that.
With Appreciation – Josh
Thank you for writing this!
Hi Onica,
Once we see truth it becomes so easy to express it. I appreciate you sharing this post and for your kind words!
With Appreciation – Josh
I have to disagree; oddly Isee this in the opposite way that you do: we are so used to being shamed, that we actually see shame even when it’s *not* staring us in the face. Even when it’s not there at all.
This is an article exposing a parenting philosphy that is unattainable for many, particularly working moms. When I personally read The Baby Book as a new pregnant woman, I had to be talked off a ledge. I’m supposed to isolate myself for one hour for each nursing session, free of any distractions, media, or company? To say nothing of memorizing the 3 Sears-approved breastfeeding holds, complete with diagrams about how you might be doing it wrong.
I guess I read the point of the headline – not that moms can’t live up. But that there parenting gurus out there with dogma that makes moms feel they can’t live up.
I’d love to talk about that instead of whether breastfeeding for 3 years is right or wrong. I think that’s missing the point.
?” Has our society become so used to being shamed, put down, questioned that we don’t even see shame when it’s staring us in the face? We wonder why so many of us have self-esteem issues and yet we don’t see some of the causes. One of the most common qu
Oops sorry about the cut and paste jobby at the bottom. Need caffeine.
Thank you so much for reading this post and for leaving such a thoughtful comment. I completely agree with you that we are shamed all too often and clearly we’re blind by it. In terms of “seeing shame when it’s not there?”. I would argue most people can’t identify shame to begin with so seeing it when it’s not there would be a contradiction to that. Anytime someone questions and/or places judgement on a truth it’s shaming. Asking if a Mom is Enough in and of itself is shaming. Using the word “is” places judgement on the truth that all Moms are enough so the question can’t be asked without shame.
As for the caffiene? Can I have a cup? lol
With Appreciation – Josh
Thanks Josh. To clarify, Time isn’t shaming anyone. The question they ask is a reference to Sears’ views on attachment parenting. So if anything, per the Time headline, it would be Sears who is making moms feel less than.
That’s how I felt when I read his book. It’s not how I felt when I saw the cover of Time. Just my thoughts.
Thanks for the clarification on that one. To be fair, and I didn’t mention it, I did not read the actual article. My post was only in reference to the cover and not the actual article. Thank you so much for the clarification!
The shame in motherhood drives me nuts. Why do we do this to ourselves? My mom told me how lucky I was to have social media the other day because I have a very good idea of how moms around the US do it instead of just imaging everyone else being perfect. I think she had a good point. We may be hard on each other at times, BUT there are very good stories out there of people living their lives out loud and being real about the imperfections too. I’m grateful for that now that my own mom brought that up.
Leah, your mom is a brilliant woman and that’s reflected in her brilliant daughter! Shame is typically a carried feeling and is passed down from caregivers and others close to us. Of course, it’s so prevelant in our society that it comes from all over the place. I appreciate you bringing up the point of “being perfect”. Of course, perfection is a made up term and completely contradicts our inherent nature. We’re perfectly imperfect beings having a quality of fallibility. We can’t be fallible and perfect at the same time so knowing that alone makes perfection or the concept of it a waste of time. I always appreciate your comments!
Much love and appreciation – Josh
One thing I’ll never understand is the propagation of these “extreme” parenting styles that tell you there’s only one way to raise a kid and everyone else is wrong. There is really only one place they exist, and that’s in books, magazines (ahem), blog posts and more. As a parent, you take a little bit from here and a little bit from there and you piece together a plan that is mostly catered to your own kid and her actions/reactions. I couldn’t imagine what a woman would have to go through to read Dr. Sears’ books religiously and then have to give up breastfeeding after a week because of medical problems.
Isn’t there any rolling with the punches any more? Why do we feel like we have to know everything in advance? If I knew the first day my kid was going to call me “dada” I would have just marked it down on a calendar and set an alarm. But people want that, along with perfectly acting children. So people who say “I can make your child perfect and you can’t” sells books, magazines, designer bottle systems, and at worst, it scams naive parents out of a lot of money.
The cover is great, because it just shows how backwards culture is. A comment I saw about it was “what would I tell my child in a checkout line if he saw that.” Um, you tell him that breasts function to feed children. If the cover was a dead soldier, nobody would be talking about it.
Phil, Thanks so much for reading my post and for your comment. Great points you make about pulling from different sources. I think that’s a valuable lesson we can all learn.
With Appreciation – Josh
Josh, This is one of your best posts yet! I am sure by the responses that your post could is more meaningful then the time’s attempt at sensationalizing this topic.
Thank you very much! That means a lot to me!
Well said. Enough with the judgement and shame. Parenting is tough enough without worrying about what others will think. No one is perfect, and “perfect parenting” doesn’t exist anyway. Everyone is doing the best they can. Time to start supporting one another!