Dad Street

I really miss my blog. The last few months for me have been quite busy . I’ve been doing a lot of personal work, which I plan on writing more about, as well as traveling, and just living life as a full-time working dad and husband. When I began writing it was a medium in which I was able to channel my thoughts and feelings about the things happening in my life. I’d have an experience or thought that I’d want to share and that would be the catalyst for me to post.

Not long after I began blogging did I start to do more work with brands. By “work with brands” I’m referring more to reviews, etc. I always thought I’d like doing reviews because generally I have so much to say about products and certainly ones that I like. However, I never intended for this site to be a review site. In addition, as I started doing more of these reviews I realized how stressful I would feel. I think it boiled down to having to now put timelines into what I was doing casually. In fact, I was actually blogging more before I started doing reviews. I’d receive a product, not have time to actually test it out and then wind up receiving countless follow up emails inquiring as to when I would be posting. Then the pressure of having to review an actual product and write about it set in, leaving me frustrated and stressed out.

Of course, having these unneeded commitments wasn’t the only thing that kept me away from writing on a more regular basis. I have been spending quite a bit of time over the last several months trying to find “self”. This may sound alien to most of you but I’ll explain later in a more detailed post. I used to be able to write late at night after everyone went to bed but for some reason when it gets dark out now, I’m just beat. Perhaps some of that has to do with some new responsibilities we have. Just about a month ago both O and Jake started Pre-School. That’s required us to prepare their clothes and breakfast/lunches the night before. In addition, instead of waking up and getting ready to leave for work we’re now getting both of the kids ready to leave the house before 7am. That is a serious chore!

Blogs mean different things to different people. Some people have a dedicated review blog. Others conduct giveaways and do a lot of brand promotion. While I’m not opposed to working with brands on one level or another (I’m on the eBay Parent Panel) I am finding that doing reviews isn’t really in alignment with what I want personally or for this particular blog. Lately I was feeling guilty and perhaps even a bit ashamed for not having posted on a regular basis. I think that’s okay too though. I don’t plan on giving up this blog or giving up my writing. There will be times in my life when I go through a period of time blogging daily and then other times where I may go for a few weeks without.

Could this inconsistency hurt me?

I’ve decided it can’t. Blogging isn’t my profession, it’s my passion. I am not my blog. Yes, what I write in my blog is me but whether the blog lives or dies has no relationship to my own personal well being. So I’m making a choice to stop feeling ashamed and to stop feeling guilty when I don’t make the time to blog. With that said, I do plan to start writing more and to start writing with more meaning and purpose. Writing when I really want to share something will be much more authentic than writing to meet some quota. I’ve realized I need more authenticity in my life and what better way to incorporate that than with my most deepest and personal stories I share with you.

I’d always dreamt of having a son and a daughter. When our daughter, O, was born (which was a miracle in itself, save story for future post) I wasn’t sure if we’d ever be able to conceive again. To our complete shock my wife became pregnant just seven months after O was born. I thought since I wanted a boy (now that I had my little girl) that God would find some way to make sure it was another girl. Plus, I don’t know, I’ve always been around a lot of girls when I was younger. Had a lot of “girl” friends, even lived with several girls in an apartment (No, not like that you sick pigs!). It wasn’t that I didn’t want another girl but the thought of a boy was just so inviting. Well, of course, I got my wish and Jake was born almost one year ago, today.

I gotta say, I struggled, a lot with having another baby. It’s not that I didn’t want another baby, I really did. It’s that I felt extreme guilt! I loved O so much! I felt as if part of me was going to be taken away, stolen from O. Oh the guilt was just bad! I didn’t understand it fully and wondered if others felt it too. At times it made it hard to get excited at the coming baby because all I could think about was what I was going to be taking away from O. I knew this wasn’t rational but we’re talking emotions here so even though it didn’t make intellectual sense to me it still permeated my every thought. Fortunately, soon after Jake was born that feeling deteriorated to the point that it wasn’t there anymore.

I love Jake so much! I love him in addition to O which means I don’t have to give up anything to do so. No love to give up just more love to share. It’s like this pocket of love that was there all along just not inflated.

Now almost one year later as Jake is turning one this Monday I think how O probably doesn’t remember life without him. After all, she was sixteen months old when he was born and those sixteen months went really fast for all of us! O completely loves her little brother! From the moment he was born she was always so intrigued by him. She loves mimicking him by crawling around the floor next to him or screeching whenever he screeches. She’s also emotionally in touch with him though. She tries to make him laugh all the time (she gets that from her silly daddy) but when he’s not feeling well and crying she tries to console him. It’s so cute…She’ll say, “Jake’s crying” or “Jake’s sad” and then try and give him a doll or hug him. The bond between them is so close and so cute! I know that might change as they get older but for now? I’m enjoying taking it all in.

It’s also neat noticing the difference between the two of them. Now that Jake is almost one and O is twenty eight months the differences as well as similarities are shining through. Jake is quite a bit of an introvert like his mommy, taking in the world around him. While O is much more extroverted like her daddy. It will be interesting to see how the two of them grow up together being so close in age.

This weekend we’re going to visit my wife’s family and celebrate Jake’s very first birthday! The year has gone by fast but I’ve learned to capture the moments that will permeate my brain forever. These times are precious and they’ll never return. It’s quite sad to be honest but I can’t be sad for the future I need to be happy for the present. I’m going to have these little guys forever and every stage in their life will be amazing. For now? I’m going to enjoy a sloooow weekend taking it in, reflecting on the last year and celebrating the two most amazing joys in my life.

Writing With Meaning And Purpose

A Father’s Guilt On The Birth Of A Son