Dad Street

Happiness, fulfillment, validation, and acceptance are things that most of us search for on a daily basis. We look all over for it. Sometimes we look to our friends to find them. Maybe we’ll be on Facebook or Twitter or some other form of Social Networking. We might even be out shopping among strangers or walking down the street looking for it. We certainly look for it when we’re making that “gotta have it now” purchase and we try our best to get it when we choose to have “one more bite”. All day, every day we find ways we seek happiness, fulfillment, validation, and acceptance. Most of the time we’re looking for it and not even realizing that’s what’s happening.

From an early age we’re taught that these things are found “out there”. In fact without even realizing it our own parents help to plant that seed. They don’t intend to do that and for all intents and purposes have no idea that’s what’s happening. After all, what could be wrong with saying,

“Honey, you did an amazing job!” or “Wow, that is beautiful!” or how about “I’m so proud of you!”?

Praise from our parents isn’t the only form of acceptance and validation we receive. We also receive it from friends growing up, we get it from teachers, coaches, and even from the television shows we watch. It doesn’t take long to realize that the majority of all the forms of fulfillment, validation, and acceptance, which in turn make us happy, come from the outside.

It’s not hard to see how, as a child, we learn very quickly that the only way of obtaining these things is by looking outside of ourselves. When we get older it’s so ingrained that we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Except this time it takes much more to meet that quota of happiness, fulfillment, validation, and acceptance and we’ll try a lot harder to get it.

I don’t think it’s wrong to find these things externally. However, I believe that many of us aren’t even aware that there’s any other options. We’re not aware that we can actually give all these things to ourselves. We’re not aware that we can choose to accept external validation on our own terms. Often times we’ll feel like there’s something missing inside or we’ll feel a sense of lonliness, maybe even scared. Sometimes we have stronger feelings like we don’t feel good enough, or loveable or even worthy. With thoughts and feelings like this it’s easy to see how we’re almost forced to go “outside” to find ourselves, to find happiness, fulfillment, validation, and acceptance.

Because we are born with our esteem intact (perhaps not self actualized at such an early age) we’re actually able with the proper love and attention to maintain self esteem throughout our childhood and adult life. However, keeping that self esteem intact requires great intention and focus from our caregivers. Outside of the home there are so many other factors that will play into trying to break that down. That is why as parents I think we have a great opportunity and responsibility to break the cycle.

Not too long ago when O would come home from Pre-School and share a project I’d tell her how proud I was of her. I’d give her huge hugs and tell her how beautiful whatever she created was. I’d shower her with love, affection, and validation. She would see how happy I would get because I’d be full of smiles. In turn she would often smile and feel good.

Lately I decided I’d turn the tables around a bit. This time when O came home to show me an art project she’s worked on I’d ask her how she felt doing it. The very first time I asked this I think she was a bit baffled but after asking her again she’d reply, “it’s good”. Now, I ask her and she gets a huge smile on her face and tells me how happy and great she feels doing it! I immediately shower her with praise and appreciation of my own. The point being is that I’m teaching her to look inside for happiness and fulfillment. I’m showing her that the very thing we are all looking for as adults has been inside of us since we were children. I’m showing her that she can realize these same feelings that just up until recently she was only getting from me.

Again, I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t praise our children or that they should not receive validation or approval from external sources. I’m only suggesting that we can help reinforce their self esteem by simply asking them to look inside. It’s a simple step that leads to some huge stepping stones later in life. Perhaps many of us lost our sense of self at an early age but that doesn’t mean we have to repeat the cycle. We can give the greatest gift we’ll ever give our children, the gift of self.

There’s actually two parts to this conversation. The first part of the conversation has to deal with us saying, “No” to other people. I don’t just mean in obvious situations where we’re in some physical danger but rather in everyday life. How many times have you said, “yes” or not said, “no” for that matter? I have to admit that for the longest time I’ve had trouble saying, “no”. I know mostly it goes back to esteem issues. I struggled to say, “no” because I didn’t want others to reject me. Of course, not saying, “no” meant that I wasn’t being honest. I wasn’t being honest with myself nor with the person whom I was in this situation with.

As hard as it is for many of us to say, “no” to someone else, it’s equally as hard to hear someone say, “no” to us. Why is this? For starters, we often feel rejected when we hear “No”. We take it personally and it hurts.

A No to you is a Yes to Me.

When I say, “no” to you, it’s really a “yes” to myself. We’re being honest with ourselves when we say, “no”. This was a hard concept to grasp and one that I recently experienced at home.

Several weeks back my wife and I were on the couch relaxing. We weren’t on the best of terms with each other so there was a bit of tension there. I’m much more of a touchy feely type of person and was feeling like I needed a hug. I leaned in to my wife and asked her if I could have a hug. She turned to me and in a firm but not harsh reply said, “no”.

No? Wow! I could feel the little zing as if I was being poked in the kidney’s. That feeling only lasted a moment as I thought for a moment. I felt myself “in the moment” and realized I was okay. Even though she wasn’t in a place to give me a hug I was still okay. This was an important lesson for me to understand. My happiness and sense of security was not based on her giving me a hug.

I still felt a bit of rejection though and several months ago that same situation would have really done me in for the worse. However, I realized that my wife was just not there in that moment to share a hug with me. She was saying, “no” to me but “yes” to protecting herself. It was important for me to realize that she was saying, “yes” to herself.

Healthy relationships won’t last unless we can exhibit self care.

A few weeks went by and I told my wife that I celebrated her No. I told her that even though I would have liked a hug, I was supportive of her taking care of herself and being authentic.

Our Yes’ are dependent on our No’s being real No’s. Every time we agree to do something for someone or agree to do something we just don’t feel comfortable doing we make our Yes’ that much less meaningful.

If we can’t say, “No” our Yes’ don’t mean shit.

Of late, I have been much more aware and have gained a much deeper understanding and sense of self. No, I don’t smoke crack and the overwhelming smell of Jake’s diaper has not confused my brain…although, I did almost pass out once.

I’ve been thinking about feelings lately. There’s a weird statement, huh?

“Thinking about feelings.”

It seems that most of my life my feelings have been doing the thinking for me. How I feel determines what I think. I don’t think this is much different from just about every other person I know. This is just how we are raised and what society comes to expect as the norm. We have feelings about a certain thing and those feelings then become what we think of ourselves and of each other. What I never realized before was that my feelings don’t just come from thoughts but rather they come from the “meaning” I give to those thoughts.

Let me give you an example that I’m sure has happened to a lot of us:

I received an email from someone at work inquiring about a task they had asked me to accomplish on that day. Not long after the email I noticed that my boss was calling me. It’s not often my boss calls me (usually just exchange emails) so I thought she must be calling to talk about the task this person emailed me about. I thought that person was upset that I hadn’t responded quick enough and spoke to her and that she was calling me about it. I felt very anxious and defensive as if I had done something wrong and was going to be spoken to about it. These feelings were based on some prior history I’ve had in similar situations. It turns out she was calling about something completely different and benign and I had worked myself up for nothing.

I’ve become very aware that anger does not exist without fear (I also include anxiety in that category). The other day an amazing thing took place that I want to share with you. Our car happened to be parked on the street, curbside. I had both kids by myself and wanted to be very cautious getting them in the car since we were parked on the street. O’s seat was curbside and Jake’s was on the side of the car that was in the street. I decided to get O in first so I’d only have Jake to manage getting in the car with traffic, etc. Jake was standing next to me on the curb as I was helping O get in the car. I was constantly looking back at him to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere and that was really on my mind. O decided that now would be a great time to play around and not sit down. As this was happening I felt myself getting very mad and upset. Normally at this time I would start to yell and/or raise my voice at O to tell her to sit down. This time I did something a little different though. I allowed myself to feel angry for a moment and then explored why I was feeling angry (ie; what did I fear?). I realized that I was scared that Jake would run into the street while I was trying to get O to stop messing around and seated. So instead of yelling at her or raising my voice I turned to her and said, “Honey, Daddy is feeling scared.” O immediately stopped what she was doing and said, “Daddy is scared?”. I said, “Yes Honey, Daddy is scared that while you’re playing around not sitting in your seat that Jake is going to run into the street and get hurt.” She had this befuddled look on her face as if she understood what I was feeling but just shocked to hear it expressed this way. She immediately got in her seat and I felt as if we were one at that moment.

O wasn’t responsible for my being mad. I made myself mad as a defense to my fear of Jake running in the street. When I expressed my fear to O she related immediately and “understood”. Had I yelled at her to sit down, never mentioning my fear of Jake she would have resisted, I would have become angrier, and it would have been a horrible experience for both of us.

This is really the first time I’ve found myself in this type of situation and I was glad that I was able to recognize what my feelings meant and what they didn’t mean. I was also glad that I treated O with respect on every level even though she was doing something that I made myself mad about (note that I intentionally didn’t say she made me mad). In the end, I was authentic with myself as well as with her. She responded so quickly and in such a positive way. I’m really looking forward to trying this out again and even if the outcome isn’t exactly the same in terms of her response I’ll still be glad that I’m presenting the example that I want to show her.

Giving Our Children The Gift Of Self

If We Can’t Say, “No” Our “Yes’” Don’t Mean Shit.

Daddy is Scared?