My Dearest Olivia and Jake,

One day you will read this letter and understand what Daddy’s about to share with you.  Every day you see my smiling face.  You see me make the silliest faces at you and those noises I make with my mouth?  Yeah, Daddy does that to make you laugh too.  We haven’t talked a whole lot without smiling or laughing have we?  Well, we shouldn’t be…if you’re not eating or sleeping you should be smiling and laughing right now.  Later in life? Hopefully by the time you’re old enough to read this?  You’ll be better prepared to digest things that sometimes take those smiles away from your faces.

I’m afraid one of those times for me is now.  You don’t know this right now but Bubby’s haircut isn’t really a haircut.  In fact, the reasons Bubby’s hair looks so short is because she has something called Cancer.  The things that Bubby has to do right now to make that Cancer go away have caused her hair to fall out.  It’s now just growing back in which is why it looks so short.  Unfortunately, the Cancer that Bubby has can be very dangerous and cause much worse things than hair loss.  I hope that by the time you’re able to read and understand this letter Bubby will have long flowing locks of hair and that this will all just be a story for you.

Behind the smiles and laughter that we share lies the pain and suffering that your Daddy is going through right now.  I don’t share this with you to make you feel sad.  I hope you can learn from what I’m sharing with you.  You can’t see this but Daddy is very sad and feels very lonely.  Yes, Mommy is here for Daddy and she’s extremely supportive.  There are some things in life which we face alone, at least initially before we realize or are even able to ask for help.

What Bubby is going through right now is very hard for Daddy to face.  In fact, you can almost say that the feelings I’m having have been hidden.  Hidden underneath all of those things that occupy Daddy on a daily basis.  We occupy ourselves with things sometimes to feel better.  We do this so that we don’t have to face those things in our life that make us sad.  It’s okay to feel what Daddy is feeling every now and then.  It’s also okay to share your feelings with those around you.  It takes a strong person to share your feelings.  Anybody can pound their chest or yell at the top of their lungs to show how strong they are but real strong people? The kind of people I want you to be like?  They are strong because they not only know what their strengths are but they also know what their struggles are.  Daddy hasn’t faced his struggles up until now.  What are those feelings that are keeping me from being strong?  Daddy is feeling scared, unsure, angry, sad, confused, and out of control.  Daddy doesn’t know what’s going to happen to Bubby, doesn’t know why this is happening to Bubby, and is scared and knows there’s nothing he can do to make this go away.  Alone having these feelings doesn’t make you weak…not at all.  Understanding and knowing you have these feelings and not doing anything about it?  That makes you weak.  So what does Daddy need to do?

Well, partly I’m doing what I need to do by writing you this letter.  I’m sharing my deepest most honest feelings that are as personal as they can be with you and with those I want to touch.  You don’t have to tell the world about your personal battles like I am.  That’s not what’s important and sometimes it’s not even appropriate.  What is important is that you share them.  That you reach out to those around you and ask for the help that you need to pull you through these tough times.

Sometimes, we don’t have all the answers and sometimes we’ll never know what the answers are.  That’s okay.  Understanding the differences between what we can know and what we can’t know is important.  Making every effort we can to understand the things that have answers is important.  Daddy doesn’t have all the answers and Daddy never will.  What I do know is how I feel and how that is affecting me. I know that I don’t like the way these feelings are affecting me.  They are bringing me down and turning me into someone I don’t want to be.

When I think about what’s right for the two of you, what’s best for the two of you I tell myself this.

I want to be the kind of father that I want Olivia and Jake to have.

It’s simple really…I think about what I want for you two and then I try and emulate (copy) that.  What I want for the two of you right now is a Father who can recognize when he needs help.  Your mom helped me realize that I needed help last night.  What I want for you is a Father who after recognizing he needs help actually goes out and gets it.  I’m going to get help to work through my feelings of depression.  What I want for you is a Father who is open and honest about these things. I am opening my heart and soul to you and sharing the process with you.

Bubby will fight her Cancer with the love and support of all of us.  Daddy will fight his depression with the love and support of those same people.  The two of you will face challenging times when you grow up.  I am not concerned though because I know that both of you will have the strength, will, and determination to reach out from those deep dark places.  You might feel alone but I will always be here for you.  When you look up from those dark places you will see my outstretched arm.  It will be reaching for you to pull you up and out of anything that’s dragging you down.  I may not be there yet but I am becoming the father I want the both of you to have.

Love,

Daddy