Dad Street

My Dearest Sweet Little Princess,

I dreamt of you long before you were ever born. I didn’t know what you would look like, how you would smile or laugh or cry but I knew you were meant to be in my life. Little did I know it would be so hard to have you. Mommy and Daddy tried for 4 years before going to special doctors. Those doctors told us we’d have less than 10% chance of ever having you and that was with special treatment (IVF).

Our waiting was over on a Thursday evening, April 17, 2008. All that waiting and dreaming came to an end when we met. I’ll never forget that day for as long as I live. I remember bringing you home and feeling fulfilled and complete.

My heart overflowing with emotion, my brain overflowing with excitement.

I’ve always given great thought to how I would raise you, what things I would teach you, the things I’d want you to learn. You surprised Daddy though…It didn’t take me long to realize the focus wouldn’t be on what I would be giving you but what you would be giving me.

I never realized just how much I needed to learn and just how much you would teach me. You’ve taught me so much about myself. You’ve shown me how to look inside and see what’s really important in life. I always thought I knew what kind of father I wanted to be. Of course, I had ideas and thoughts about what it would be like once you were here. I just never knew how much I would be redefining my role once you were here.

You’ve helped to shine a light on what a father should be. Of course, I’m still figuring this out but now I have something look to. Whenever I wonder about what kind of father I want to be, you help me first think about what kind of father I want you to have. Only then can I truly see what I need to do to be that Father.

I want to be the father that I want you to have.

Of course, now I’m realizing how quickly the time is flying and how quickly these opportunities pass. I love every part of your life. I loved the screaming and crying at 2:00am when you were 4 months old. I loved the first baby steps at 13 months old. I loved the first potty visit at 16 months old. How could I forget your big girl 2nd birthday? So much has happened over these last 3 years. I just don’t want you to grow up anymore. I’m looking forward to our future but I’m so sad for our present is turning into our past. I don’t want to miss any part of your life and the idea that I just want to sit and revel in every small moment with you knowing I can’t hurts.

What doesn’t hurt is knowing you are in my life and that the last 3 years will surely lead to many, many more equally amazing years ahead. It is true you’ve taught me so much in the last 3 years and I hope that one day you may think I’ve taught you just as much. You were in my dreams just over 3 years ago and now you’re in my world, my life, and my heart. Words will never fully describe what you mean to me and how much you are a part of me. I can only hope that one day you’ll know this not because of what I say but because of what I am, what I do.

You are Daddy’s little Princess and I love you more than words. Happy Birthday my sweet girl.

Where is my backbone?? Well not literally…I mean it’s behind me somewhere, I’m guessing. Rather I’m talking about my ability, or lack thereof, to be more firm with O when I need to be.

If you’ve been following me for sometime then you know that it took The Boss and me 4 years to have O (and then only 16 more months to have Jake). Both of our children are truly miracles so I don’t know if this plays into how I’m feeling. Up until recently O has just been a perfect angel. Well, at least in her Daddy’s eyes. Yes, I did say, “recently”. You see, it seems she’s hit what some call the, Terrible Two’s. I don’t think anywhere near as bad as some 2 year olds but there’s still hope, she’s only 2 ½. She is such a sweet, loving, and caring little girl. She will literally walk up to strange children at the mall and try and hold their hand. She’ll sit next to you and rub your arm as she sucks her thumb. She’s just terribly sweet!

Except when she’s not.

Lately, she’s been pretty aggressive and physical with Jake and not in a sweet way either. She’s pushed him down, thrown things at him, bit him, and hit him with toys. It’s not cool. Jake is just 15 months old and while he is a big boy she’s still much bigger than him right now. Of course that will change in a short while but for now I need to figure something out.

The Boss seems to be able to be more firm when it comes to reprimanding her. I have more of the “well she’s only 2 years old” attitude. However, I can appreciate how being firm with her is a necessity in many instances. I do realize that going easy on her now will only make it easier for her to walk all over me in the future. Don’t get me wrong. I have raised my voice quite a few times and been very stern with her. For the most part though I just have trouble following through on punishment. When we’re talking punishment I mean timeouts, taking things away, or closing her bedroom door at night when she’s too loud (she likes sleeping with the door open).

So why am I a big wuss? I don’t know! Is it that she’s my little girl? My first born? That it took us 4 years to have her? I just don’t like to see her upset. It’s like I’m rooting for her not to screw up so she won’t get in trouble.

The Boss: Olivia if you do that one more time!

Me: Come on Olivia, please listen to Mommy, you don’t want to go in timeout!

O: Does it again

The Boss: Puts her in timeout

Me: Damn!

I know that being more firm and following through on cause and effect with her will go a long way. I also know that at her age she’s testing her boundaries with us. Now’s the time I need to buckle down and suck it up. I know I’ll only be benefiting her by doing so, even if it doesn’t feel right at the time. I know she’ll grow up to respect me more if I am more firm. Plus, it’s important that The Boss and I are on the same page when it comes to parenting.

I’m realizing as a Dad, and as a Dad to O and Jake that I need to be aware of my actions and responses to these types of situations. I’m also realizing that sometimes I have to do things I don’t like to do to get the outcome I need to have as a responsible parent. Maybe tomorrow O will wake up and realize that she’s never going to do anything wrong ever again. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and realize I need to mentor her even in times when it’s not comfortable. I’m guessing the latter of those two will happen. As her Dad it’s my responsibility to mentor her. Mentoring comes in different forms and applied the right way will yield a beautiful, mature adult who has respect. To not follow through on my part as a Dad and a parent would ultimately rob her of any ability to respect others. Sometimes what doesn’t feel right today is exactly what’s needed to feel right tomorrow.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog then you’re probably wondering if I fell off a cliff. If you’re not a regular here you might be thinking similar thoughts about my regularity (and I’m not talking about my bathroom schedule). I recently moved hosting providers and lost a couple of my posts so it doesn’t look like I’ve posted recently. In fact, I haven’t posted as much as I normally do.

Life has gotten the better of me and I’ve been so busy with work, the family, traveling, and my other efforts with Dads Talking. I’ve really missed writing and have so much to share with you. However, something came across me last night and I thought I’d share that instead. It’s a letter I’m writing to O and Jake and it goes something like this…

My Dearest Olivia and Jake,

For the last year or so I’ve taken on the approach that other people aren’t to blame for our actions. I do truly believe that we may not be able to control what happens to us but we can control how we respond. I suppose on the larger picture we might think of horrible things like Bubby getting cancer or the time that I was held up at gunpoint and handcuffed. Of course these are times when it’s easy to see how we might allow forces outside of us to control our response.

Every day things happen to us, big and small; each of these times we’re still responsible for how we respond. Last night when I was setting up a digital frame in our Living Room you (Olivia) saw the frame turn on and started playing with it. I think you told the frame that you wanted to use Turkish as a language because it took me 2 hours to fix it and I couldn’t understand a word! The point is, I was very short with you and was visibly frustrated. Even though I didn’t yell or scold you, I sensed you saw my frustration because you must have apologized 5 times to me. I can’t imagine how old you might be when you read this but you’re two and a half today. If there’s one thing that Daddy knows it’s that two and a half year olds should be two and a half year olds. When you saw that shiny light go on that was your queue to go play with it! I should’ve never gotten upset with you like I did.

I realized afterwards that I wasn’t upset that our Frame could only be understood by someone living in Turkey. I was upset because I felt a lack of control. Even worse, it was a lack of control for the very constraints I put on myself. Most of the things that keep me so busy now a day are things I’ve put on myself. They’re choices I’ve made and as a result I’m suffering. I’m suffering because I have a million and one things to do and no time to do them. You should only reap the rewards from the work I do and should never have to consume any of the stress that gets unleashed as a result.

Again, you’ve reinforced a lesson I thought I learned but haven’t been practicing. I acted like a victim last night and with all my built up frustrations found some way deep inside to convince myself it was okay to get upset. I fell victim to my own weaknesses. For that I am very sorry. I’m upset with myself for responding the way I did but I do see a light of hope here.

You’ve helped me see something inside of myself that I might otherwise not have seen. Anybody can look at the surface of a picture but to get into the things that make the picture is something different. As you both grow and mature you’ll be faced with many situations where what’s on the outside, the surface, will appear one way. Pealing back those layers and understanding…really understanding what’s behind will allow you to embrace, nurture, and develop your inner self.

I love you both more than you’ll ever know. Just when I think I understand myself and the world around me I’m knocked back down with the thought that in a combined 3 years of life between the two of you I’m constantly growing, learning, and ultimately becoming a better Dad.

I am forever indebted to you both for giving my life purpose, substance and for giving me the greatest gift in the world…The gift of being your Dad.

Love always,

Daddy

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